Propagating Mind Weasels

You know, just when I think I am starting to come to terms with my feelings of hurt and betrayal that came from the situation between H* and Mr. Complicated something else sneaks up out of the darkness of my mind and b*tch slaps me. Just when I am sure I have all the nasty mind weasels cornered and put to rest 10 more sprout up, kinda like a mind weasel hydra. I find that though I can forgive H* for falling for the same man that I did there are other things that I can’t so easily let go of.

I can’t so easily brush off the fact that she knew how I felt and she chose to disregard that. I can’t let go of the fact that when I talked to her about Mr. Complicated that she expressed no interest at all in him and then suddenly she is dumping the man she did have for the man I had been wanting for so very long. She knew how I felt but it never once seemed to occur to her to actually talk to me when she started having feelings for him too. This leads me to suspect that she knew what she was doing was inherently wrong, that she was betraying her sister, her friend, but didn’t care. She wanted him and so she took him without a care for anyone else. So much selfish, competitiveness makes me leery of her and it hurts my heart.

If I can ever truly let my heart love again, how can I confide my feelings to her? There is this ugly fear deep inside of me that if I tell her that I have strong feelings for someone again that she will go and take them away as well. When you meet someone that gives you joy and makes you happy you want to tell your best friends. You want to introduce people and hope that they all get along and can also become friends so that all the people you love most in the world will be happy associating with each other. How can I ever do that with her? And not just her, this whole situation has made it that much harder to want to trust my heart with anyone. Betrayal is insidious, it takes away the things that should bring you comfort and joy.

How will I ever be able to relax and share in the joy, heartbreak, up and downs, of my sister’s relationship? How can I support her? Hear her worries? Share in her happiness? Be happy for her when all I want to do is kick and scream and cry and tell her to shut the hell up because just thinking about it makes me feel all shredded and raw inside. It makes me feel like I am being a horrible person that I can’t, won’t, be able to support H* and be there for her.

And should H* and Mr. Complicated not work out how can I commiserate with her? And if (big freaking if) Mr. Complicated should turn his sights back to me how can I ever trust him again? I am nothing more than the second fiddle, the one that is settled for, not even worth being someone’s first choice. Just a place holder until they get what they really want.

I no longer feel free and safe talking to H* or Mr. Complicated. My trust is demolished like a glass crushed under a boot heel. Yes, all the pieces can be picked up and glued back together but it will never be whole again and if it can still hold water it will never hold as much.  Right now I feel like I can never be whole again and I don’t know how to fix the damage that has been done.

There is such a cruel, vicious streak inside of me that I want to lash out at her. Tell her everything that I have poured out here on my blog and throw it in her face and should she protest I want to lash her with my tongue and pour out all my bile and bitterness and crush her with it. I long to beat her with my words, my broken trust and crushed feelings, make her hurt and squirm, and drive her away. I want her to see and feel what real betrayal. I want to know if she has any real remorse is if it all just a game. Does she only feel bad because she was caught or because deep inside she knew what she did was so very wrong?

Oh, how the feelings pile up inside my chest and crush my breath and I feel like I am drowning in bitterness.

 

 

Learning to Dance…

Here in my little neck of the woods it has been threatening to rain all day. The deep brooding air has been hanging over my head and leaving me feeling anxious and depressed. Shortly after arriving home after work the dark heavy clouds came bubbling and roiling over the sky to bring darkness for faster than normal. For hours bright flashes of lightening have been playing between the clouds like kids playing hide-and-go-seek in the summer night. About an hour ago the first low rumbles of thunder started to move in. You could feel the storm marching closer, the lightening became bright, and the long slow growls of thunder became louder and more frequent.

As I start to shut down for the night I can hear the first pinging drops of rain as they hit the fence and bird feeders that surround my back porch. They strike so hard that you could almost swear that you are hearing small stones being cast against the pavement. Soon the rain starts to fall in earnest, the hissing, hushing sound backed by the dragon deep purr of thunder is like a song to my worn soul and and battered heart. The rhythmic drumming of nature beckons me from the dark beyond my door.

The siren song leads me to the door and I stand just inside the screen letting the cool breeze that the storm brought with it caress my skin. The more I listen the less I am able to resist and I step out into the cool night and the embrace of the elements that call to me. Drops of rain bite into my skin, at first icy and then warming, I feel it run over my arms and tap against my scalp. I feel its kiss on my face and eyelids as my feet splash in the puddles. At first I just stand there, soaking in the rain like a flower in the drought.

Then my feet move, little swaying steps that drift into arcs, turns and spins. My hands following the movement of the rain and the wind. I let myself fall into the dance, no one can see, no one to care if I look silly or beautiful just me and the rain. While I dance I do not feel the fears and anxieties. My pain, heartbreak, and worry wash away with the water that flows over me. I let it go, at least for now, into the dark night of the storm. I dance like a woman possessed…and maybe I am…but I feel something loosen deep inside. Like a clenched fist letting go. I give over to the wonder and magic and just Dance.

Eventually I come back in. Dripping wet and exhausted. Tonight I can breathe for the first time in weeks.

Breathless (cont.)

…I was stunned, at least at first, then all these little bits and pieces started coming together in my head. I realized that I had been willfully ignoring the signs. Mr. Complicated had stopped flirting with me and acted shocked and surprised when I flirted with him. He had been obliquely talking about someone being in his dreams of being afraid to say it out loud for fear of it never coming true. My sad, pathetic self wanted to believe that maybe he was trying to hint about me but because of the assorted complications he was afraid to do anything about it yet. Boy, what a damn fool I was.

I wanted to rant and scream, I wanted to lash out and hurt H* and Mr. Complicated, I wanted to tear them apart verbally and make them hurt as much as I did. Instead I took a deep breath and talked to H*, I listened to her feeble excuses and her pain and I decided that I would be hurt and angry but I would forgive her. After all, how could I blame her for wanting Mr. Complicated for all the same reasons that I had wanted him? How could I hate her and throw away our friendship, our sisterhood for falling for the same blandishments that I fell for?

I did tell her how much it hurt and let her see my pain in that I couldn’t even turn to my two dearest friends and find comfort in them because they caused it. They are the direct reason for all this pain and breathlessness. I made sure she knew exactly what sort of interaction Mr. Complicated and I had had so she knew it wasn’t just me mooning over someone who hadn’t ever given me a lick of hope. After that I stuffed all of my hurt and pain into a little box and tried to enjoy my weekend with my sister. It was only sort of successful as you might guess.

Once I got back home I spent the next two days alternating between being numb and crying and being viciously angry. Eventually my emotions became less tumultuous and I started thinking instead of reacting. Unfortunately thinking isn’t really much help because my thoughts turned into poisonous little weasels twisting and gnawing on themselves.

You see, I want to preserve my relationship with my sister, my dearest friend but now I wonder if she can be trusted. What kind of person is she really? The nasty weasels of my thoughts whisper that she is one of those mean girls and the song “Jolene” by Dolly Parton starts playing in the background. It’s not like she didn’t have a good man, one that doted on her, who showered her with love and care. The same man she had told me that he was the goddess’s gift to her, that she loved him, and couldn’t help feeling that he was meant to be and yet she tossed him to the side to chase after Mr. Complicated. The man that I had confided to her was the only man I had had a serious interest in in years. She knew that he was married and was even friends with his wife, she knew that I was interested in him but hadn’t let it get too far because he was married, she knew that I would have fought for a chance to be with him were he available. She knew what she was doing and didn’t care how much hurt and pain she would cause she just decided that she wanted Mr. Complicated and to hell about anyone else.

Now she is playing the martyr, saying how she can’t stand how much Mr. Complicated is hurting, saying how bad she feels about hurting me and saying that she accepts the consequences of her actions. I wonder how badly she really feels or is this just another act? How real is she? My heart is so torn to pieces. I know that if I can’t come to terms with all the nasty, weaselly thoughts that it will poison my relationships; not just what is left of my friendship with H* or whatever friendship is left with Mr. Complicated but with anyone who comes after. I am already so closed up and afraid to feel and love that I haven’t dated in years. How much more harm has this situation created? Will I ever stop being such a fool? Will there ever be a friend or someone special who will see me and want me for something other than a tool to use and abuse? What the hell is wrong with me?

All this and more circles and twists inside my mind whenever I stop moving and it steals my breath and lays lead weights on my heart and soul. I need to move forward and find healing but all I want to do is freeze my heart to ice and stop feeling. If I could stop feeling maybe I could stop hurting? My eyes turn to the razor blades in the drawer and I see in my mind’s eye the blade cutting into the skin of my arms and legs making the pain inside of me real, physical pain to distract me from the emotional hurt that weighs me down. I turn away and leave the blades where they are. That path is unhealthy and unwise…

So instead I go in search of my journal to write out my feelings and frustrations but it eludes me. Which is how I came here. I don’t know if anyone but me will ever read this. Maybe they will think me a twit or maybe they will find in these writings an echo of their own pain and confusion.

I know not where this path will lead but I hope to find a renewed sense of self and joy in life at the end of it.

 

 

 

Breathless

Have you ever been hurt so bad emotionally that the pain actually makes it hard to breathe? The anger and hurt of it keeps waylaying me when I least expect and in that moment its like a lead weight has been dropped around my  heart and suddenly my lungs can’t get enough air. I know I shouldn’t let things effect me like this. I am a grown woman, not an over-angsty teenager! And yet the pain of betrayal, loss, and anger have me tied into knots.

So let me back up a little and give you some perspective. I met this man, Mr. Complicated, several years back. I was out at a gathering with friends, outside under the moon and stars with fire and torches and tasty adult beverages being passed around. I had a jug of home brewed mead that I had made that I was passing around getting peoples opinions on, when I turned around and spotted him. He was tall, blond, and had really nice shoulders, and eyes that were so full of laughter and good humor that I was drawn to him. Lo and behold! He to was passing around some home brewed mead that he had made and it made an easy way for me to approach this handsome stranger. (I am shy, and nervous when it comes to meeting new people, especially men who I find attractive.)

We swapped brews and got to talking…and talking…and eventually we sat down and talked into the wee hours of the night about religion and philosophy and mead and we had so much in common. Eventually he went his way and I went mine. The next morning I saw him again and found out that he was spoken for. *sigh* Damn! Just my luck. First man I have been seriously interested in since my rather brutal divorce and he belongs to someone else. Well crap! Ok. Fine. I was a little disheartened but that is life.

Now, I can no longer remember who found who on Facebook first and which one us of started talking to the other first but nevertheless we struck up a friendship on FB. We spent hours talking. We talked about religion, philosophy, relationships, heartbreak, fears, whatever came to our hearts and minds to talk about. He trusted me with his secrets and trusted him with mine. I was torn between flirting with him and trying to help him salvage a relationship that was rocky. I knew it was wrong to want him so damn much but in so many ways he was everything I hoped and wished for in a man. Virtual chats lead to some steamy phone calls and some very adult pictures and hints and talk about finding time to sneak away. Again I know it was wrong and foolish but oh how my treacherous heart wanted him and I thought he wanted me too.

I confided in him my biggest fear, the thing that had kept me from really putting myself out there in the dating market, and I am going to share it with you now so you too can understand. My biggest fear is that I will be continuously overlooked by the men I find most desirable. You see, though I keep trying to not make the same mistakes over and over again the end result seems to be the same. I am good enough to flirt with, play with, talk to, confide in, but when it comes to seeing me as a someone to cherish and love I am not it. Over and over I am just the one they choose when they can’t have who they really want. The one they play with to tide them over. The one who picks them up when they are down and makes them feel like they should have hope. Then they throw me away once they have what they want. Often they leave me for one of my friends. Sometimes my best friend. Then I am supposed to be ok with it, happy for them, a cheerful 3rd wheel even though I have been discarded like a piece of trash.

(And before anybody brings up that “Friend Zone” rubbish just don’t go there. There is a big difference between someone being nice to someone else just in the hopes of getting laid and having someone say they want you show you and tell you of their desire and then tossing you away when they are feeling better about themselves.)

Now, add in my best friend H*, she just got out of a nasty abusive relationship with her husband of 18 years. She was feeling really down and fragile and since she is like a sister to me I was feeling all fierce and protective. Now at about the same time Mr. Complicated has had some developments in his life and he is finding it difficult to get the time to take care of his horses and H* is a farm girl with horse handling experience so of course I introduce the two and suggest that maybe it would help both of them out. H* would get some much needed equine therapy during this rough patch and Mr. Complicated would have someone he could trust to help with the horses. (Can see where this is headed?)

So, of course, my two dearest friends in the whole world, the two people outside of my own blood kin that I love most in the world, hit it off and this makes me happy. I didn’t think for a minute about my “biggest fear” especially since H* had met this rather sweet gent, M*, who really doted on her and she on him.

If I get little twinges of jealousy I soothed myself with how much H* really loved M* and how she was convinced that he was her gift for getting out of such a bad relationship. She talked about him a lot and when I saw the two of them together they were curled up like a pair of courting doves. It was nauseatingly cute and sweet so I didn’t suspect a thing. How could I? She already had a man. A good one. What did she need with another?

Then it started, Mr. Complicated began talking to me less, he stopped flirting, things I didn’t tell anyone but him started getting to H*’s ears. He started mooning over her. I tried to push the fact that she was spoken for and, well, so was he. He talked about how he and H* didn’t have any secrets from each other, which I knew was bullsh*t, and yet I pointed out that H* and M* were doing very well. Eventually I found out that H* had dumped M* for reasons unknown. Well, unknown at first.

Then the schtick hit the fan. Mr. Complicated was caught by Mrs. Complicated having an affair. He comes to me looking for sympathy and comfort. At first I am give it to him but then my suspicions, which had been growing, started getting the best of me.

I was headed for a visit with H* so we could spend some time together for my birthday. When I got there she was all closed up and radiating pain. Yeah. Like that isn’t a dead give away? So I ask her if everything is ok? “No, just some drama.” Work? Ex? Kids? “No, just drama. It will be ok.” Uh huh. Right. So after a few minutes I just flat out ask if she is the one that Mr. Complicated got caught having an affair with. Ding ding ding! We have a winner folks. She was upset. She didn’t want him to hurt. She tried, and tried, to resist him. She knew she shouldn’t do it. She knows I really liked him but she just couldn’t resist. She gave in.

I felt…Hurt. Betrayed. Broken. Crushed. Angry. Bereft. So many words but not one adequate enough to fully describe the depths of the pain I felt in my heart and soul. It happened again. My biggest fear. The two people I trusted most.

To be continued….

Opening Salvo…

Why start a blog? Why throw your thoughts into the ether and see what stirs? I need a place to express all the thoughts and feelings that get bottled up in the day-to-day course of living and I want to show off the things that make me happy or get me through the day. I can hope that one of my projects touches or intrigues you or gives you inspiration. Perhaps, if something I have written makes you feel even a little bit less alone in the world then maybe I am also doing some good besides finding catharsis for myself.

I am a woman who deals daily with multiple chronic ailments who loves to camp and play with string and investigate new and interesting things. This is the beginning of a new journey and you are welcome to walk along with me.