You know, just when I think I am starting to come to terms with my feelings of hurt and betrayal that came from the situation between H* and Mr. Complicated something else sneaks up out of the darkness of my mind and b*tch slaps me. Just when I am sure I have all the nasty mind weasels cornered and put to rest 10 more sprout up, kinda like a mind weasel hydra. I find that though I can forgive H* for falling for the same man that I did there are other things that I can’t so easily let go of.
I can’t so easily brush off the fact that she knew how I felt and she chose to disregard that. I can’t let go of the fact that when I talked to her about Mr. Complicated that she expressed no interest at all in him and then suddenly she is dumping the man she did have for the man I had been wanting for so very long. She knew how I felt but it never once seemed to occur to her to actually talk to me when she started having feelings for him too. This leads me to suspect that she knew what she was doing was inherently wrong, that she was betraying her sister, her friend, but didn’t care. She wanted him and so she took him without a care for anyone else. So much selfish, competitiveness makes me leery of her and it hurts my heart.
If I can ever truly let my heart love again, how can I confide my feelings to her? There is this ugly fear deep inside of me that if I tell her that I have strong feelings for someone again that she will go and take them away as well. When you meet someone that gives you joy and makes you happy you want to tell your best friends. You want to introduce people and hope that they all get along and can also become friends so that all the people you love most in the world will be happy associating with each other. How can I ever do that with her? And not just her, this whole situation has made it that much harder to want to trust my heart with anyone. Betrayal is insidious, it takes away the things that should bring you comfort and joy.
How will I ever be able to relax and share in the joy, heartbreak, up and downs, of my sister’s relationship? How can I support her? Hear her worries? Share in her happiness? Be happy for her when all I want to do is kick and scream and cry and tell her to shut the hell up because just thinking about it makes me feel all shredded and raw inside. It makes me feel like I am being a horrible person that I can’t, won’t, be able to support H* and be there for her.
And should H* and Mr. Complicated not work out how can I commiserate with her? And if (big freaking if) Mr. Complicated should turn his sights back to me how can I ever trust him again? I am nothing more than the second fiddle, the one that is settled for, not even worth being someone’s first choice. Just a place holder until they get what they really want.
I no longer feel free and safe talking to H* or Mr. Complicated. My trust is demolished like a glass crushed under a boot heel. Yes, all the pieces can be picked up and glued back together but it will never be whole again and if it can still hold water it will never hold as much. Right now I feel like I can never be whole again and I don’t know how to fix the damage that has been done.
There is such a cruel, vicious streak inside of me that I want to lash out at her. Tell her everything that I have poured out here on my blog and throw it in her face and should she protest I want to lash her with my tongue and pour out all my bile and bitterness and crush her with it. I long to beat her with my words, my broken trust and crushed feelings, make her hurt and squirm, and drive her away. I want her to see and feel what real betrayal. I want to know if she has any real remorse is if it all just a game. Does she only feel bad because she was caught or because deep inside she knew what she did was so very wrong?
Oh, how the feelings pile up inside my chest and crush my breath and I feel like I am drowning in bitterness.