Have you ever been hurt so bad emotionally that the pain actually makes it hard to breathe? The anger and hurt of it keeps waylaying me when I least expect and in that moment its like a lead weight has been dropped around my heart and suddenly my lungs can’t get enough air. I know I shouldn’t let things effect me like this. I am a grown woman, not an over-angsty teenager! And yet the pain of betrayal, loss, and anger have me tied into knots.
So let me back up a little and give you some perspective. I met this man, Mr. Complicated, several years back. I was out at a gathering with friends, outside under the moon and stars with fire and torches and tasty adult beverages being passed around. I had a jug of home brewed mead that I had made that I was passing around getting peoples opinions on, when I turned around and spotted him. He was tall, blond, and had really nice shoulders, and eyes that were so full of laughter and good humor that I was drawn to him. Lo and behold! He to was passing around some home brewed mead that he had made and it made an easy way for me to approach this handsome stranger. (I am shy, and nervous when it comes to meeting new people, especially men who I find attractive.)
We swapped brews and got to talking…and talking…and eventually we sat down and talked into the wee hours of the night about religion and philosophy and mead and we had so much in common. Eventually he went his way and I went mine. The next morning I saw him again and found out that he was spoken for. *sigh* Damn! Just my luck. First man I have been seriously interested in since my rather brutal divorce and he belongs to someone else. Well crap! Ok. Fine. I was a little disheartened but that is life.
Now, I can no longer remember who found who on Facebook first and which one us of started talking to the other first but nevertheless we struck up a friendship on FB. We spent hours talking. We talked about religion, philosophy, relationships, heartbreak, fears, whatever came to our hearts and minds to talk about. He trusted me with his secrets and trusted him with mine. I was torn between flirting with him and trying to help him salvage a relationship that was rocky. I knew it was wrong to want him so damn much but in so many ways he was everything I hoped and wished for in a man. Virtual chats lead to some steamy phone calls and some very adult pictures and hints and talk about finding time to sneak away. Again I know it was wrong and foolish but oh how my treacherous heart wanted him and I thought he wanted me too.
I confided in him my biggest fear, the thing that had kept me from really putting myself out there in the dating market, and I am going to share it with you now so you too can understand. My biggest fear is that I will be continuously overlooked by the men I find most desirable. You see, though I keep trying to not make the same mistakes over and over again the end result seems to be the same. I am good enough to flirt with, play with, talk to, confide in, but when it comes to seeing me as a someone to cherish and love I am not it. Over and over I am just the one they choose when they can’t have who they really want. The one they play with to tide them over. The one who picks them up when they are down and makes them feel like they should have hope. Then they throw me away once they have what they want. Often they leave me for one of my friends. Sometimes my best friend. Then I am supposed to be ok with it, happy for them, a cheerful 3rd wheel even though I have been discarded like a piece of trash.
(And before anybody brings up that “Friend Zone” rubbish just don’t go there. There is a big difference between someone being nice to someone else just in the hopes of getting laid and having someone say they want you show you and tell you of their desire and then tossing you away when they are feeling better about themselves.)
Now, add in my best friend H*, she just got out of a nasty abusive relationship with her husband of 18 years. She was feeling really down and fragile and since she is like a sister to me I was feeling all fierce and protective. Now at about the same time Mr. Complicated has had some developments in his life and he is finding it difficult to get the time to take care of his horses and H* is a farm girl with horse handling experience so of course I introduce the two and suggest that maybe it would help both of them out. H* would get some much needed equine therapy during this rough patch and Mr. Complicated would have someone he could trust to help with the horses. (Can see where this is headed?)
So, of course, my two dearest friends in the whole world, the two people outside of my own blood kin that I love most in the world, hit it off and this makes me happy. I didn’t think for a minute about my “biggest fear” especially since H* had met this rather sweet gent, M*, who really doted on her and she on him.
If I get little twinges of jealousy I soothed myself with how much H* really loved M* and how she was convinced that he was her gift for getting out of such a bad relationship. She talked about him a lot and when I saw the two of them together they were curled up like a pair of courting doves. It was nauseatingly cute and sweet so I didn’t suspect a thing. How could I? She already had a man. A good one. What did she need with another?
Then it started, Mr. Complicated began talking to me less, he stopped flirting, things I didn’t tell anyone but him started getting to H*’s ears. He started mooning over her. I tried to push the fact that she was spoken for and, well, so was he. He talked about how he and H* didn’t have any secrets from each other, which I knew was bullsh*t, and yet I pointed out that H* and M* were doing very well. Eventually I found out that H* had dumped M* for reasons unknown. Well, unknown at first.
Then the schtick hit the fan. Mr. Complicated was caught by Mrs. Complicated having an affair. He comes to me looking for sympathy and comfort. At first I am give it to him but then my suspicions, which had been growing, started getting the best of me.
I was headed for a visit with H* so we could spend some time together for my birthday. When I got there she was all closed up and radiating pain. Yeah. Like that isn’t a dead give away? So I ask her if everything is ok? “No, just some drama.” Work? Ex? Kids? “No, just drama. It will be ok.” Uh huh. Right. So after a few minutes I just flat out ask if she is the one that Mr. Complicated got caught having an affair with. Ding ding ding! We have a winner folks. She was upset. She didn’t want him to hurt. She tried, and tried, to resist him. She knew she shouldn’t do it. She knows I really liked him but she just couldn’t resist. She gave in.
I felt…Hurt. Betrayed. Broken. Crushed. Angry. Bereft. So many words but not one adequate enough to fully describe the depths of the pain I felt in my heart and soul. It happened again. My biggest fear. The two people I trusted most.
To be continued….